Who has the ability to understand the concept of patience, to the fullest extent? We all have some sense of it but even so, barely any of us show it every single time it’s needed. Patience is one of the key factors in becoming a well developed, kind person. And without it, we are only dooming our future persons. But seriously, why is it all that important? I mean more than half of the things in this world take time to develop, understand, fall into place, etc. But beyond all that, it ties into trust. And trust is one of the only things people today grab hold of in times of need.
In order to trust, one must be patient and have a significant amount of patience to endure everything trust may bring. Trust is hard. Patience is even harder. The saddest part is one cannot be fully developed without the other. Hand in hand, moon in the sky, sand on the beach, stars during the night. None can exist without the other, just as trust cannot coincide without patience.
The definition of patience is a quick and steady perseverance. So how does, or how can, one work to this stance of diligence? The answer is simple- move at a slower pace. Take time to notice the smaller things around you as gifts instead of faults. Birds chirp to make music, not noise. Dogs bark to warn, not annoy. Technology dying from working to the best of its abilities for as long as it can bear instead of being a useless piece of plastic, metal, or what is so. Rain falls to replenish nature, not burn out plans for a Friday night. Things around us are more good than bad. Yeah, there are definitely a countless number of faults and defects. But somehow we need to readjust our minds to understand the concept of good vs. evil where good wins.
Patience is more than the word we were taught in grammar school. Its definition is more in depth than the most educated people of the world can grab hold of. Its complexity overwhelms me. The drastic measure needed to reach true patience engulfs me even more.
And this, coming from a girl who has focused on nothing but the negatives for the longest time? It means something. It means we are going to be completely dramatized, completely shocked, when we come to the conclusion that without patience- without trust- we cannot go anywhere.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
DEEP RED
One piece, one look. It digs through, deep into your soul. Looking down, there’s nothing but a deep red liquid flowing out. Something so little finds a way to satisfy so much. The dark red blood symbolizes the fear and hate caged inside. As the piece of metal comes in contact with the bare, pale, scarred flesh, it rapidly flashes across to only make another memorabilia of the depression and stress overtaking your whole body. It’s an indescribable comfort. Safety somehow finds its way like nothing else does. The thought of the rush, the looseness, the compelling impulse to see the dark red color, only to prove you’re still alive. Something inside is still living, even if your external figure feels as if it is not. It digs deep down, hitting further than the bottom of your heart, further than even your soul. Nothing feels as good but at the same time as terrifying. The blood is no longer a part that keeps you alive, but an addiction. Taking one look at what once was a factor of seclusion is now a factor of acceptance. Each time a scar is made, the want of more increases. The deep red becomes more undeniable each time until one day, it all subsides into a darkness like no other.
23 murders, 25 days
25 murders in 23 days. It has to mean something about what the world is coming to. We kill people out of hate, selfishness, and retaliation. Has society really dropped so low to where it seems murder is the only way out? The death of someone may not affect the murderer, but there are friends and family who have to face the consequences of the other’s egotistical action. Murder may not even mean the death of someone, entirely. It could be the murder of everything someone once stood for, their reputation or their standards.
Someone comes into your house with a gun. They drag each of your family members out of each room and sit them on a sofa. Everything is blurred and you can’t make out the person’s face. You hear screaming come from your mouth and your mother’s. You hear the man say he is going to kill each person, one by one, and everyone else has to watch another suffer until there is no one left. You hear a gunshot and then your mother scream. You realize your father has been shot. As each second passes, your surroundings become more blurred. You’re so terrified it feels as if you’re going to fall and never be able to recover.
Then with one pull back of air, you jump back into reality. It was nothing but a dream.
For some people, it’s reality. Some people have to face the fact that someone important to them I gone forever from someone else’s mistake. And the fact is the murder most likely won’t even be phased by what they’ve done.
Look around; murders are lurking and hiding behind fake smiles and excuses. They say they’re sorry for gossiping, betraying, everything else that may come up. But they aren’t. They take pride in what they’ve done and believe they’ve earned respect for exposing you to something you have always hoped to keep hidden.
25 murders in 23 days? When the world ends let’s hope it’s not because of murder.
Someone comes into your house with a gun. They drag each of your family members out of each room and sit them on a sofa. Everything is blurred and you can’t make out the person’s face. You hear screaming come from your mouth and your mother’s. You hear the man say he is going to kill each person, one by one, and everyone else has to watch another suffer until there is no one left. You hear a gunshot and then your mother scream. You realize your father has been shot. As each second passes, your surroundings become more blurred. You’re so terrified it feels as if you’re going to fall and never be able to recover.
Then with one pull back of air, you jump back into reality. It was nothing but a dream.
For some people, it’s reality. Some people have to face the fact that someone important to them I gone forever from someone else’s mistake. And the fact is the murder most likely won’t even be phased by what they’ve done.
Look around; murders are lurking and hiding behind fake smiles and excuses. They say they’re sorry for gossiping, betraying, everything else that may come up. But they aren’t. They take pride in what they’ve done and believe they’ve earned respect for exposing you to something you have always hoped to keep hidden.
25 murders in 23 days? When the world ends let’s hope it’s not because of murder.
Mending Mistakes
All the feelings in the air around you are seemed to be of disappointment and vulnerability. Trust is broken; you try to fix everything you’ve done for both yourself and the people around you. But no matter what happens, you feel like you’re walking on broken glass. Sometimes, the mistake cannot be placed exactly to what you’ve done wrong, but there’s something. You retrace your steps all the way back until the last time something went wrong; you reevaluate everything you’ve done, everything you’ve said. There are hints along the way, but there’s no way to place it.
So you say you’re sorry. Sorry for leaving, sorry for lying, sorry for believing so much more than what you should have. Sorry for things that were unclear to you but you knew that as cliché as the word was, it had to hit home in some way, shape, or form.
But no one believes you. You feel like the little boy who cried wolf. The one time you feel like you really are sorry, no one can see that. They begin to recognize your actions over your words.
The quiet scares you, overwhelms you, because nothing but thoughts are rushing around in your head. Sometimes, it makes you want to scream and cry because everything you need and everything you want is just out of reach. Forgiveness is out of reach when you need it most- love, compassion, understanding, intellect, inspiration. ALL of it is out of reach.
You may go your whole life never figuring out what you did wrong. It’s something you need to live with. Once you lose trust, things will never be seen the same again. And there’s no way to fully mend a mistake, no matter what everyone says.
So you say you’re sorry. Sorry for leaving, sorry for lying, sorry for believing so much more than what you should have. Sorry for things that were unclear to you but you knew that as cliché as the word was, it had to hit home in some way, shape, or form.
But no one believes you. You feel like the little boy who cried wolf. The one time you feel like you really are sorry, no one can see that. They begin to recognize your actions over your words.
The quiet scares you, overwhelms you, because nothing but thoughts are rushing around in your head. Sometimes, it makes you want to scream and cry because everything you need and everything you want is just out of reach. Forgiveness is out of reach when you need it most- love, compassion, understanding, intellect, inspiration. ALL of it is out of reach.
You may go your whole life never figuring out what you did wrong. It’s something you need to live with. Once you lose trust, things will never be seen the same again. And there’s no way to fully mend a mistake, no matter what everyone says.
Crumpled Paper
Crumpled pieces of paper on the floor. They end up being tossed into a trashcan. Not recycled for future use, just thrown away; like they’re meaningless. And on those pieces of paper are thoughts, ideas, dreams, passions, wants, need, encouragement, words. Each ink spot, scratch out, eraser mark means something. And even if they seem pointless, we could need them someday.
Attentiveness
Attentiveness is a big word for something that should seem so small. To be attentive, to pay attention, to be thoughtful, to be considerate, to observe and evaluate- THEN act. It all means the same. But lately, this big word has taken hold of a larger meaning.
It’s difficult to just.. Not notice how much you pay attention to the little, and big things around you; even the big things that aren’t around you but should seem like they could be figured out. If you see a sign, a vivid, understandable sign, then you should be open to its possibilities. ALL of them. Chances are they are going to benefit you, and if not now, in the long run they’re bound to help in one way or another. However, attentiveness doesn’t always mean a change, or even something you should act upon. It could just be something obvious you need to at least consider.
This past weekend, I was told to be more attentive as my reparation. I’m crying in front of him, all alone, out of anger, sadness, guilt, and relief. And the only words said to me were:
“Be more attentive..”
I had no idea what he meant nor did I ask. It was just a word of which I DID know the logical, legitimate definition, but I didn’t know how it could ever pertain to me.
Now I’ve realized that one word is a big part of life, of anyone’s life, no matter what place they’re in. To get through tough time, to hold on to those ever so lovely fulfilling times, and even more important, to be STRONG enough to ask for help. And although it is a big word, it shouldn’t be scary, intimidating, or impossible to uphold.
I’m not afraid anymore. For the FIRST TIME, I’m not afraid. Not afraid to notice all the things around me I’ve always wished to be oblivious to. That, of which, is good and bad. I must now act upon what I’m realizing even though it’s going to be hard as hell.
“Attentiveness (adj.): Characterized by or giving attention; observant”
Big word, big meaning. And even though it sounds small, it is so much to own up to.
It’s difficult to just.. Not notice how much you pay attention to the little, and big things around you; even the big things that aren’t around you but should seem like they could be figured out. If you see a sign, a vivid, understandable sign, then you should be open to its possibilities. ALL of them. Chances are they are going to benefit you, and if not now, in the long run they’re bound to help in one way or another. However, attentiveness doesn’t always mean a change, or even something you should act upon. It could just be something obvious you need to at least consider.
This past weekend, I was told to be more attentive as my reparation. I’m crying in front of him, all alone, out of anger, sadness, guilt, and relief. And the only words said to me were:
“Be more attentive..”
I had no idea what he meant nor did I ask. It was just a word of which I DID know the logical, legitimate definition, but I didn’t know how it could ever pertain to me.
Now I’ve realized that one word is a big part of life, of anyone’s life, no matter what place they’re in. To get through tough time, to hold on to those ever so lovely fulfilling times, and even more important, to be STRONG enough to ask for help. And although it is a big word, it shouldn’t be scary, intimidating, or impossible to uphold.
I’m not afraid anymore. For the FIRST TIME, I’m not afraid. Not afraid to notice all the things around me I’ve always wished to be oblivious to. That, of which, is good and bad. I must now act upon what I’m realizing even though it’s going to be hard as hell.
“Attentiveness (adj.): Characterized by or giving attention; observant”
Big word, big meaning. And even though it sounds small, it is so much to own up to.
Symbolism.
'Always' by Saliva.. I kept listening to it over and over again trying to figure it out. There's this line that kept repeating in my head.
"I wrap my hand around your heart, why would you tear my world apart"
I realized it doesn't always have to pertain to a 'someone', but a 'something'. It's like, you put so much trust into something and give it your all every time. But all it does is bring you down and further than you ever were before.. and there's no way of getting back, or even higher, to where you were before everything just collapsed.
I was walking down my street and when I was almost to my house I saw this leaf in the middle of the culdesac. It was obvious that it had been messed around with for a while, being tossled by the wind and rain and being crushed under the tires of cars. But with all that, it wasn't broken. It was still in one piece.
It means you can't let everything tear you down. You're still there in the end and if you pull through long enough everything will fix itself.
The rain will dry, the wind will subside, the marks of everything that ran over you will still be there but they act as a reminder to stay where you are and to not fall to a lower level in order to, what you think, will fix it all.
It just seemed like this obvious symbolism for life and how we take it, control it, harness it.Take it into consideration.
"I wrap my hand around your heart, why would you tear my world apart"
I realized it doesn't always have to pertain to a 'someone', but a 'something'. It's like, you put so much trust into something and give it your all every time. But all it does is bring you down and further than you ever were before.. and there's no way of getting back, or even higher, to where you were before everything just collapsed.
I was walking down my street and when I was almost to my house I saw this leaf in the middle of the culdesac. It was obvious that it had been messed around with for a while, being tossled by the wind and rain and being crushed under the tires of cars. But with all that, it wasn't broken. It was still in one piece.
It means you can't let everything tear you down. You're still there in the end and if you pull through long enough everything will fix itself.
The rain will dry, the wind will subside, the marks of everything that ran over you will still be there but they act as a reminder to stay where you are and to not fall to a lower level in order to, what you think, will fix it all.
It just seemed like this obvious symbolism for life and how we take it, control it, harness it.Take it into consideration.
Three Roads.
There are only three roads in life. The good one, filled with hope, undivided love, and guidance; the ugly one, filled with countless mistakes, decency, and struggles; and the bad one, filled with hate, darkness, and failure. The choice between these roads is clear..
God's way, your way and ONLY your way, and the Devil's way.
About a month ago, I saw two roads- the good and the bad. I couldn't stick to one so I made my own down the middle which turned into the ugly road. I wasn't able to commit to anything or, for that matter, anyone. It sucked and I was so close to giving up forever that it almost killed me in itself.
Tonight was ADORE 2097. I saw the roads again and made my final decision. Granted, I didn't commit to that one road but I became so much closer. The first steps took such a toll on me, I cried tears of.. relief and bliss.
Point being through all this is that you have to make the choice sometime in your life. And once you make it, it sticks with you. So you have to be sure to give it thought, a LOT of thought. You have to be more than content with the decision; it'll be with you for the remainder of your life. But most importantly, you have to make sure it's what you feel is right. Not what feels right at the moment, or even at the phase you're in, but what feels right as a decision for everything ahead of you.
I've made mine. Now it's your turn.
God's way, your way and ONLY your way, and the Devil's way.
About a month ago, I saw two roads- the good and the bad. I couldn't stick to one so I made my own down the middle which turned into the ugly road. I wasn't able to commit to anything or, for that matter, anyone. It sucked and I was so close to giving up forever that it almost killed me in itself.
Tonight was ADORE 2097. I saw the roads again and made my final decision. Granted, I didn't commit to that one road but I became so much closer. The first steps took such a toll on me, I cried tears of.. relief and bliss.
Point being through all this is that you have to make the choice sometime in your life. And once you make it, it sticks with you. So you have to be sure to give it thought, a LOT of thought. You have to be more than content with the decision; it'll be with you for the remainder of your life. But most importantly, you have to make sure it's what you feel is right. Not what feels right at the moment, or even at the phase you're in, but what feels right as a decision for everything ahead of you.
I've made mine. Now it's your turn.
What's Killing You?
It feels like your thoughts are following you, digging deep into your mind and soul everywhere you go, every place you stand. You try to escape but you’re suffocated by the power they have over you.
You’re in the ocean. It’s the first time you’ve rounded up enough courage to swim away from shore. You build up more confidence with every progression of strokes and kicks. All of a sudden, you’re stuck and are getting pulled under by a current. Breathing is not an option; it’s impossible to even try to get out of it. All you can feel is the water flowing through you, overtaking your whole body every time you struggle to survive through it.
Everywhere you go they haunt you. Constantly drifting in and out of the good and bad points. There is not any way to escape. Sometimes those constant thoughts cause you to lose insight and do insignificant things and overanalyze things.
Overanalyze (v): to analyze a situation to an excessive degree; to devote an exorbitant amount of time to researching a situation or thing
So, what causes someone to overanalyze? One answer- their thoughts. Thoughts which overrule your whole self, being, mind, soul.
Stay stuck in the current and slowly you’ll fade away. You’ll become a prisoner to the waves crashing and beating around you and all the uneasy feelings flowing though you, taking you under. Little, by little, by little you’re drifting away.
All that remains is one question- are your thoughts killing you?
You’re in the ocean. It’s the first time you’ve rounded up enough courage to swim away from shore. You build up more confidence with every progression of strokes and kicks. All of a sudden, you’re stuck and are getting pulled under by a current. Breathing is not an option; it’s impossible to even try to get out of it. All you can feel is the water flowing through you, overtaking your whole body every time you struggle to survive through it.
Everywhere you go they haunt you. Constantly drifting in and out of the good and bad points. There is not any way to escape. Sometimes those constant thoughts cause you to lose insight and do insignificant things and overanalyze things.
Overanalyze (v): to analyze a situation to an excessive degree; to devote an exorbitant amount of time to researching a situation or thing
So, what causes someone to overanalyze? One answer- their thoughts. Thoughts which overrule your whole self, being, mind, soul.
Stay stuck in the current and slowly you’ll fade away. You’ll become a prisoner to the waves crashing and beating around you and all the uneasy feelings flowing though you, taking you under. Little, by little, by little you’re drifting away.
All that remains is one question- are your thoughts killing you?
Newsflash?
When everything feels like its crashing, what do you do? Sit there, having pity for yourself? Stand up and take it? Allow others to walk over you, take advantage of you? Or are you like me, where you break down to what you feel is an all-time low, like you’ve hit rock bottom and nothing in this worldly power can bring you back up to where you need to be.
Well, I’ve got a big newsflash:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged. For the LORD your God will be with you, wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Read it again.
Now take it all in. Do you really understand what it means? Truly in your heart? Or do they seem like nothing but words? Because they are the least of that. It’s saying that everything you do, everything that happens to you, is in God’s hands. He is guiding you through everything, even the terribly tough things. And even though you feel like you’re nothing more than useless, vulnerable, and weak, He means for you to feel like that. It may not make sense, but we go through the things we do only so we can come out a better, stronger individual.
I was hysterically crying, barely able to gasp for breath. My face was red, puffy, and streaked with eyeliner, mascara, and eye shadow. Someone next to me just took my head into his hands and rested it on his shoulder. I heard, “Cry it all out until there’s nothing left inside of you. Feel nothing but weakness and cleanliness. Let it all out, until you’re eyes are dry of tears. He needs this from you. You’re finally beginning to let Him in with your tears. You’re breaking down to nothing, only so He can start off with a clean slate in order to build you up larger and stronger in His great image.”
I still hear those words and feel those feelings. And through the beginning of this fulfilling journey, I’ve already been faced with numerous things. I’ve had to make tough decisions, correctly. I’ve had to own up to myself. I’ve had to forgive and love even when it seemed nearly impossible. I had to ask for help, which was the most difficult of them all. I’ve always depended on myself and I refused to let anyone tell me otherwise, make me do otherwise. I must to say, asking those few simple words took SO MUCH off of me. I was afraid of feeling needy and helpless, but the response I received made me feel far from that. I’ve begun to overcome one of my internal battles.. There needs to be people in your life whom you can feel comfortable leaning on. I had two and both left. She left me for drugs, sex, and alcohol. He left me, himself, and everything he that he stood for, only for something that is bringing him down and putting him in more danger than ever before. I don’t trust many people. That’s the basis of the fact, of all the facts.
We all seem to show the opposite of what we’re feeling, or feel the opposite of what we’re showing. I know I do.
But next time, instead of faking content, happiness, and stability, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to have courage. Don’t feel discouraged because you feel as if you are alone and no one understands you and what you’re going through. There is no reason for it. Because whatever happens, there is always one person in the world who knows what’s processing in that little mind- And that one person is God. His weakness is stronger than our strongest faith, all of our strongest faith- COMBINED.
So here’s a newsflash. Everything you’re feeling right now? At this exact moment? It’s meant to be that way. Don’t be afraid to take it on, whether it’s good or bad. You’re meant to have it.
It’s not to be any other way. Period.
Well, I’ve got a big newsflash:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged. For the LORD your God will be with you, wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Read it again.
Now take it all in. Do you really understand what it means? Truly in your heart? Or do they seem like nothing but words? Because they are the least of that. It’s saying that everything you do, everything that happens to you, is in God’s hands. He is guiding you through everything, even the terribly tough things. And even though you feel like you’re nothing more than useless, vulnerable, and weak, He means for you to feel like that. It may not make sense, but we go through the things we do only so we can come out a better, stronger individual.
I was hysterically crying, barely able to gasp for breath. My face was red, puffy, and streaked with eyeliner, mascara, and eye shadow. Someone next to me just took my head into his hands and rested it on his shoulder. I heard, “Cry it all out until there’s nothing left inside of you. Feel nothing but weakness and cleanliness. Let it all out, until you’re eyes are dry of tears. He needs this from you. You’re finally beginning to let Him in with your tears. You’re breaking down to nothing, only so He can start off with a clean slate in order to build you up larger and stronger in His great image.”
I still hear those words and feel those feelings. And through the beginning of this fulfilling journey, I’ve already been faced with numerous things. I’ve had to make tough decisions, correctly. I’ve had to own up to myself. I’ve had to forgive and love even when it seemed nearly impossible. I had to ask for help, which was the most difficult of them all. I’ve always depended on myself and I refused to let anyone tell me otherwise, make me do otherwise. I must to say, asking those few simple words took SO MUCH off of me. I was afraid of feeling needy and helpless, but the response I received made me feel far from that. I’ve begun to overcome one of my internal battles.. There needs to be people in your life whom you can feel comfortable leaning on. I had two and both left. She left me for drugs, sex, and alcohol. He left me, himself, and everything he that he stood for, only for something that is bringing him down and putting him in more danger than ever before. I don’t trust many people. That’s the basis of the fact, of all the facts.
We all seem to show the opposite of what we’re feeling, or feel the opposite of what we’re showing. I know I do.
But next time, instead of faking content, happiness, and stability, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to have courage. Don’t feel discouraged because you feel as if you are alone and no one understands you and what you’re going through. There is no reason for it. Because whatever happens, there is always one person in the world who knows what’s processing in that little mind- And that one person is God. His weakness is stronger than our strongest faith, all of our strongest faith- COMBINED.
So here’s a newsflash. Everything you’re feeling right now? At this exact moment? It’s meant to be that way. Don’t be afraid to take it on, whether it’s good or bad. You’re meant to have it.
It’s not to be any other way. Period.
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